Picking up the pieces after suicide

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By Michael Covington | May 13, 2008 |

When a loved one takes their life by their own hands, how are we to pick up the pieces and go on with life? For a suicide survivor, life can never be seen the same way again. Many emotions and surface and submerge long after the eulogies are delivered.

Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in people of all ages. Also, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, the average rate of suicides in the United States is 89 per day. This equals roughly one suicide every 16 minutes. In 2005, eight percent of U.S. high school students had reported at least one attempt at suicide at some point in the previous 12 months. The rate of U.S. high school students reporting that they seriously considered a suicide attempt in the last year was 16.9%. Also, males commit suicide at almost four times the rate that females commit suicide. In four out of every five cases, there are warning signs against possible suicide.

When the news of a loved one is given, the survivor goes through an emotional rollercoaster that never seems to stop. Grief, blame, anger, confusion, shame, relief, abandonment, despair, and betrayal are common emotions felt by survivors of suicide. They may feel angry at the person who has taken their life and feel as though they were not considering how it would affect others. They also may be confused by why that person felt there was no alternative. They may also face perceived stigma or shame at what others will think of the suicide.

The grieving process varies from person to person, and some stages may take longer than others. The grieving process may go away and resurface again later. For suicide survivors living life after their loss is never easy. Common phrases from friends and family such as “I’d kill myself before wearing that outfit!” or “I wish I were dead.” can feel like a slap in the face at what that person has just experienced. Survivors should understand that those phrases are often uttered without much thought and are not intended to be hurtful.

I lost one of my closest friends, Temple Kirkpatrick Smith Jr. on March 1^st, 2008. He was an all around great guy. He was pursuing a degree in science at Middle Tennessee State University on scholarships he had earned during High School just 2 years previously; he had just bought a house, had a great job, did volunteer work, had plenty of friends, worked as a youth minister in his church, and had a fantastic family. Kirk and I went to High School together, and we shared a lot of great memories. He had everything going for him, but somehow something made him take his own life. This revelation turned my sense of reality upside down. I knew it couldn’t be true; Kirk wasn’t depressed and didn’t exhibit any outward warning signs that are often associated with suicide.

On March 1^st, around 10:30am Kirk called one of his friends and made plans to spend time together the next day playing video games. Sometime around 11:45 a.m. he went to the Kroger near his home and purchased a candle lighter (the ones with the long stem). He then came home, entered his garage, doused himself in gasoline, and ignited the lighter. The call to police came in around 12:00-12:15 p.m. and the emergency services crew found Kirkpatrick, burned. They were able to stop the fire before it spread to the house.

As a survivor of his suicide, I’ll never know why he did this. All of the conclusions I can draw are that he felt there was no other method of resolving whatever problem he was having. The fact that he took this to such an extreme and violent means such as fire indicates to me that whatever was wrong had been torturing him for some time. In the month before this, I had spoken with him on the phone and we had caught up on the latest news on what was going on with each other, talked about summer camp (We were counselors together at a leadership camp we both attended previously) and argued over themes for camp. Nothing ever could have indicated that he was bothered or disturbed by anything.

For me, the most unsettling part of his passing is that I’ll never know the “why” that all survivors of suicide have a need to know. Some will securely take comfort in faith that they’ll see their loved ones again in the afterlife. I take comfort in knowing that Kirk will always hold a special place in my heart. Without the “why” some survivors find it difficult to work through the grieving process. I’ve found that the process never ends. Shortly after his passing, I saw Kirk in my dreams and heard his voice in my head. I still feel tears welling up in my eyes when I see his picture. I don’t know that I’ll ever get past these things.

Who is at risk?

Suicide survivors are at risk for suicide themselves. The entire experience brings suicide from the darkest shadows of our minds front and center and shifts our focus onto it. Because of this, suicide survivors may consider committing suicide themselves in an effort to be with their loved one. Often, they feel isolated and alone and may fall into deep depressions. Instead of being left to grieve on their own, friends and family of suicide survivors should encourage the survivor to talk about their feelings. Even when they say they don’t want to talk about it, you can still show your support by letting them know that you are available to talk with them. Let them know they are not alone, and continue to encourage them to talk about the suicide. Be considerate of any special days such as anniversaries and birthdays of their loved one. Don’t make assumptions or talk about things that you don’t know such as the suicide being a result of ongoing depression or commenting on the decision the loved one made. At that moment in time, they felt that suicide was the best option available to them and acted on it.

As time progresses, it will often be easier for the survivor to talk about their loss, and move along with life. I’ve found that it’s best for me to talk openly about what happened. I’ll still talk about Kirk as he was, such as “One of my best friends was a Titans fan.” I can’t just move on from our friendship as it was and not speak of him again. I can’t just erase the past six years of knowing him. I expect that other survivors feel the same way and don’t feel it’s appropriate to stop referring to their loved one, so you shouldn’t either. If they bring up the subject, you should feel able to do so as well. They talk about their loved one to remember them.

The warning signs

Everyone should be aware of suicide warning signs. They may very well save someone’s life. Watch out for friends and family who seem preoccupied with death and dying such as writing songs or stories or poetry about such. Be aware that people who feel hopeless are at risk as well. Making statements such as “Everyone would be better off without me.” are strong indicators that person may feel worthless and may see suicide as a way to stop being a burden. Also, people who start to settle their affairs suddenly could be preparing for suicide. Making out wills, making arrangements to care for children or other family members, and giving away all important possessions can indicate that person is trying to get things in order before a suicide. Major and often sudden changes in moods can indicate a risk. If someone has been sad or depressed lately and is very suddenly very happy and positive may have made a decision that they feel will bring them out of that sadness and depression by means of suicide. Isolation is often associated with suicide, withdrawing from normal activities can indicate depression which is frequently paired with suicide.

It’s important to make sure that the person exhibiting warning signs knows they can talk with you about their feelings. You should listen honestly and completely without passing any judgment on them or their thoughts. Offer that person hope. Let them know that their situation will pass and things will get better. Shift their focus from the problems in the now, to the goals and dreams in the future. Don’t promise to keep your talk a secret. If the time comes and you know they are going to commit suicide, you’ll have to choose to break a promise and lose the friendship or keep a promise and lose the friend. This is never an easy choice. Help that person seek out professional help. Research it with them online, find local help. Offer to drive them to an appointment with a therapist or doctor. Help them find ways to get their mind off of their problems. Join a gym together, go bowling with friends, or dine out at a favorite restaurant. Anything to get them out of their regular routine for a short while will help them clear their head about problems they’re having.

Listed below are some resources if you’d like to learn more about Suicide, Suicide Survivors, and Suicide Prevention. These were the main resources I used in this article and I hope you’ll find them equally helpful.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm

http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/suicide/

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/suicide.shtml

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-support-groups.html

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About Michael Covington

Email: michael.r.covington@gmail.com

Sections: Issues, Opinion
Topics: death and dying, grief, Mental Health, Spirituality, Suicide, suicide prevention, suicide survivors

One Response to “Picking up the pieces after suicide”

David W. Shelton Says:
May 13th, 2008 at 4:28 pm

Michael,

Thank you so much for writing this post, as it is easily one of the most important posts in the history of Clarksville Online.

We’ve all been touched by suicide at one level or another. No matter if it’s family, an acquaintance, or a local business leader, it’s always a tragedy. We should all learn the signs in others - and even ourselves.

Your story is personal, poignant, and powerful. It’s relevant. And it happens all too often. Maybe, just maybe, we can touch someone’s life around us.

If I may, I’d like to take a slight detour (since this isn’t directly related to the above story) and add one additional resource for the benefit of our gay and lesbian youth (who are three times as likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers): the Trevor Project, at http://www.trevorproject.org.

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