Also I regret the passing this spring of William F. Buckley, world famous conservative. Although I didn’t know him, as a personal friend as I did Georgia, his contributions impressed me. Though at opposite ends on certain controversial issues, still I saw his significance. It’s easy as I review his values to find plenty of his views to denounce, reject and object to, but he brought a measure of sanity to the conservative movement where he was a prophetic voice.

As I read about his life, his principles, his prejudices, his influence for good in his eulogies, a question rises from my subconscious: What will people say about me upon my passing? There I go, trying to avoid saying that five-letter word: death.

My own demise is an anemic nagging daily companion. At nearly 71, I realize that I have less than 20 more years — give or take — to live, according to statistics. I’m in the process of settling my legal affairs, updating signature cards in my banking, making changes in beneficiaries on my investment and saving accounts. Last week, I settled the disposition of my IRA accounts.

As to my spiritual affairs: I am quite satisfied with that area of my life. In the Church of the Nazarene, where I first integrated spiritual principles in my life, I recalled “being scared.” We were taught to be “prayed up, packed up, and ready to go.” Well, I’m “up” and prepared. I have no fear of death.

So the passing of Georgia and W. Buckley precipitated again, an analysis of my certain date with a similar event. Also, I appreciate the peace and confidence the latter’s mother demonstrated five days before her demise at a ripe old age. He son told the following story to the nation after her death:

“…the nurse brought her from the bathroom to the armchair and — inflexible rule — put on her lipstick and the touch of rouge, and the pearls. Suddenly, and for the first time since the terminal descent began a fortnight earlier, she reached out for her mirror. With effort, she raised it in front of her face, and then said, with a teasing smile on her face as she turned to the nurse, ‘Isn’t it amazing that anyone so old can be so beautiful?’ Her son concluded: ‘The answer, clearly, was, Yes, it was amazing that anyone could be so beautiful.”

The message as illustrated by Buckley is that it is our destiny to face up to life and death with peace, grace, confidence, and even humor. Beautiful is the good and the values we demonstrated to our grandchildren; the care we demonstrated to our neighbors, friends, and family. Let’s concentrate on the today and the wondrous days, however many, we have remaining.

The peace of God is with us as we age, and race to the finish line of life.

I recommend reading “William Buckley” (Newsweek 3-30-08), for more insight into this subject.

Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death in people of all ages. Also, according to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, the average rate of suicides in the United States is 89 per day. This equals roughly one suicide every 16 minutes. In 2005, eight percent of U.S. high school students had reported at least one attempt at suicide at some point in the previous 12 months. The rate of U.S. high school students reporting that they seriously considered a suicide attempt in the last year was 16.9%. Also, males commit suicide at almost four times the rate that females commit suicide. In four out of every five cases, there are warning signs against possible suicide.

When the news of a loved one is given, the survivor goes through an emotional rollercoaster that never seems to stop. Grief, blame, anger, confusion, shame, relief, abandonment, despair, and betrayal are common emotions felt by survivors of suicide. They may feel angry at the person who has taken their life and feel as though they were not considering how it would affect others. They also may be confused by why that person felt there was no alternative. They may also face perceived stigma or shame at what others will think of the suicide.

The grieving process varies from person to person, and some stages may take longer than others. The grieving process may go away and resurface again later. For suicide survivors living life after their loss is never easy. Common phrases from friends and family such as “I’d kill myself before wearing that outfit!” or “I wish I were dead.” can feel like a slap in the face at what that person has just experienced. Survivors should understand that those phrases are often uttered without much thought and are not intended to be hurtful.

I lost one of my closest friends, Temple Kirkpatrick Smith Jr. on March 1^st, 2008. He was an all around great guy. He was pursuing a degree in science at Middle Tennessee State University on scholarships he had earned during High School just 2 years previously; he had just bought a house, had a great job, did volunteer work, had plenty of friends, worked as a youth minister in his church, and had a fantastic family. Kirk and I went to High School together, and we shared a lot of great memories. He had everything going for him, but somehow something made him take his own life. This revelation turned my sense of reality upside down. I knew it couldn’t be true; Kirk wasn’t depressed and didn’t exhibit any outward warning signs that are often associated with suicide.

On March 1^st, around 10:30am Kirk called one of his friends and made plans to spend time together the next day playing video games. Sometime around 11:45 a.m. he went to the Kroger near his home and purchased a candle lighter (the ones with the long stem). He then came home, entered his garage, doused himself in gasoline, and ignited the lighter. The call to police came in around 12:00-12:15 p.m. and the emergency services crew found Kirkpatrick, burned. They were able to stop the fire before it spread to the house.

As a survivor of his suicide, I’ll never know why he did this. All of the conclusions I can draw are that he felt there was no other method of resolving whatever problem he was having. The fact that he took this to such an extreme and violent means such as fire indicates to me that whatever was wrong had been torturing him for some time. In the month before this, I had spoken with him on the phone and we had caught up on the latest news on what was going on with each other, talked about summer camp (We were counselors together at a leadership camp we both attended previously) and argued over themes for camp. Nothing ever could have indicated that he was bothered or disturbed by anything.

For me, the most unsettling part of his passing is that I’ll never know the “why” that all survivors of suicide have a need to know. Some will securely take comfort in faith that they’ll see their loved ones again in the afterlife. I take comfort in knowing that Kirk will always hold a special place in my heart. Without the “why” some survivors find it difficult to work through the grieving process. I’ve found that the process never ends. Shortly after his passing, I saw Kirk in my dreams and heard his voice in my head. I still feel tears welling up in my eyes when I see his picture. I don’t know that I’ll ever get past these things.

Who is at risk?

Suicide survivors are at risk for suicide themselves. The entire experience brings suicide from the darkest shadows of our minds front and center and shifts our focus onto it. Because of this, suicide survivors may consider committing suicide themselves in an effort to be with their loved one. Often, they feel isolated and alone and may fall into deep depressions. Instead of being left to grieve on their own, friends and family of suicide survivors should encourage the survivor to talk about their feelings. Even when they say they don’t want to talk about it, you can still show your support by letting them know that you are available to talk with them. Let them know they are not alone, and continue to encourage them to talk about the suicide. Be considerate of any special days such as anniversaries and birthdays of their loved one. Don’t make assumptions or talk about things that you don’t know such as the suicide being a result of ongoing depression or commenting on the decision the loved one made. At that moment in time, they felt that suicide was the best option available to them and acted on it.

As time progresses, it will often be easier for the survivor to talk about their loss, and move along with life. I’ve found that it’s best for me to talk openly about what happened. I’ll still talk about Kirk as he was, such as “One of my best friends was a Titans fan.” I can’t just move on from our friendship as it was and not speak of him again. I can’t just erase the past six years of knowing him. I expect that other survivors feel the same way and don’t feel it’s appropriate to stop referring to their loved one, so you shouldn’t either. If they bring up the subject, you should feel able to do so as well. They talk about their loved one to remember them.

The warning signs

Everyone should be aware of suicide warning signs. They may very well save someone’s life. Watch out for friends and family who seem preoccupied with death and dying such as writing songs or stories or poetry about such. Be aware that people who feel hopeless are at risk as well. Making statements such as “Everyone would be better off without me.” are strong indicators that person may feel worthless and may see suicide as a way to stop being a burden. Also, people who start to settle their affairs suddenly could be preparing for suicide. Making out wills, making arrangements to care for children or other family members, and giving away all important possessions can indicate that person is trying to get things in order before a suicide. Major and often sudden changes in moods can indicate a risk. If someone has been sad or depressed lately and is very suddenly very happy and positive may have made a decision that they feel will bring them out of that sadness and depression by means of suicide. Isolation is often associated with suicide, withdrawing from normal activities can indicate depression which is frequently paired with suicide.

It’s important to make sure that the person exhibiting warning signs knows they can talk with you about their feelings. You should listen honestly and completely without passing any judgment on them or their thoughts. Offer that person hope. Let them know that their situation will pass and things will get better. Shift their focus from the problems in the now, to the goals and dreams in the future. Don’t promise to keep your talk a secret. If the time comes and you know they are going to commit suicide, you’ll have to choose to break a promise and lose the friendship or keep a promise and lose the friend. This is never an easy choice. Help that person seek out professional help. Research it with them online, find local help. Offer to drive them to an appointment with a therapist or doctor. Help them find ways to get their mind off of their problems. Join a gym together, go bowling with friends, or dine out at a favorite restaurant. Anything to get them out of their regular routine for a short while will help them clear their head about problems they’re having.

Listed below are some resources if you’d like to learn more about Suicide, Suicide Survivors, and Suicide Prevention. These were the main resources I used in this article and I hope you’ll find them equally helpful.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm

http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/suicide/

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/suicide.shtml

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html

http://www.survivorsofsuicide.com/

http://www.suicide.org/suicide-support-groups.html

Anticipatory grief can be healthy, depending on its duration and our response to it. To think about the inevitable, such as our own demise, though sad, can motivate us to positive action, such as making a will, establishing a trust, and keeping our beneficiaries updated on our finances at every level.

Cassie, our beloved twenty-pound Chinese Pug, is more than a pet; she is a family member. Now nearly15-years-old, she has been in our care for the past ten years. She is a delightful companion and affectionate even to strangers. If animals can love, she loves children and adults alike. Singing her accolades is easy, and she is ideal for us.

To further her quality of life, she receives frequent health care from her vet, Dr. Winn; a nutrional diet, and a monthly grooming at PetSmart.

At her age, I recognize her days, her time with us are edging close; weeks of listening to her struggle and sonorous breathing are limited. Even now, as I write this, the tears surface and my throat tightens, all in anticipatory grief. It will be a crushing blow to our lives when she is cremated. her physical departure will be heart-wrenching. I expect that, besides grief, there will be guilt for me to suffer. It’s a natural component of the grief cycle.

Other events too will produce grief for all of us in our own ways, for our own reasons. . As a precious friend, Charles Marshall, affectionately states in Mullings and Musings:

“Grief has its own peculiar form for each of us; we grieve for our loss, our shattered relationaship, our ‘might have beens,’ our broken bodies, our broken minds, our children’s tragedies; add to all this personal grief the hunger, the wars, and the hatreds of the world.”

These crushing tragedies have an indominable consequence on us and will immobilize and incapacitate us for a period of time. They will tumble us into bitterness and spiritual darkness. Our prayers are immersed in uncertainty in such troubled and fatiguing times.

My achieving and adventurous 12-year-old grandson, Brett, has enriched my life with fledgling hobby of actor in live theater in Evansville, Indiana. His role in Les Miserables motivated me to research this profound production and introduced me to the wonders — mentally and spiritually — of this famous book-movie-play.

In Les Miserables, grief comes to many of the major characters in some form. In order to help all of us to understand and even to take advantage of such times, the author, Victor Hugo, writes:

“Great grief is a divine and terrible radiance which transfigures the wretched.”

I believe he is announcing, for our assurance, that grief can be good or bad, or good and bad.

There is a grievous atmospehe in our community with the deployment of our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The tears still flow down the cheeks of spouses and children that said this sad farewell — again. As I departed for each of my two tours in Vietnam and combat, I still vividly remember that crushing grief as I boarded the plane fromKansas City and was emotionally battered enough that i couldn’t take a last glance at my wife and parents-in-law.

We can assist these families in coping with this deep-seated well of grief that has no bottom at present. Through acts of friendship, neighborliness, and caring we precipitate the healing through our acts and deeds of kindness. Our deeds are therapeutic. Even the menial tasks of cleaning the gutters on my neighbor’s home in the absence of a spouse will strengthen both of us.

We as spiritual beings have an innate drive to a comforting presence. As an ancient writer said for our comfort and as a challenge:

“There is a season and time for every purpose under heaven…A time to heal, a time to build up…A time to weep and a time to laugh…A time to gain and a time to lose. ”

This ancient sage is assuring us that our pain is transitory.

We are challenged to alleviate grief. Often as we do an act of kindness for a grieving family of the deployed, report the act on Clarksville Online. You need not say your name, and may use just initials. Speak up, and let the families of our troops know that we, the people of Clarksville, care. Deeply.

Author’s Note: For a spiritual lift, acquire Mullings and Musings by our own Charlotte Marshall. Copies are available at Trinity Episcopal Church for $10. Consider giving a copy to a grieving neighbor.

To read this personal memorial go to: http://www.wcbd.com/midatlantic/cbd/news.apx.-content-articles-CBD-2007-06-19-0023.html