With those words with the numeric ‘1′ displayed in a small black-bordered box on the social networking website, MySpace,  a boy said goodbye to family and friends before taking his life on Wednesday. Above the ID box on his page, which had been set to private and therefore viewable only to his “friends,” this Northeast High School student had written the chilling words, “wishing it would all just end.” In the notation of his mood, he had entered a single word: “Blissful.”

Thursday morning, unsuspecting NEHS students heard the announcement of 16-year-old Steven McCausland’s death over the PA system, along with a request for a moment of silence. Crisis counselors were on hand to assist students, some of whom were crying the hallways and in class. Teachers reportedly made numerous referrals for any student affected by the loss of their friend and classmate. Many students gathered after school to console each other.

According to his friends, Steven was present at lunch Wednesday, but they now know that around 12:30 he wrote a multi-paragraph blog on MySpace (which can only be accessed by his MySpace “friends”), in which he speaks of his despondency, his perception of a bleak and hopeless future, and posed a curiosity and uncertainty about what might or might not come after death. It was a lost voice also saying a slightly longer goodbye to his friends, some of whom remembered he “was happy sometimes” but also “sad a lot,” and sometimes sat at the cafeteria lunch table with his head buried in his arms. He was sitting that way the last time they sat with him, just hours before his death.

So it was that my granddaughter, one of Steven’s friends, arrived at my home, ostensibly to finish up college application paperwork, but more importantly to log in on my computer and, in the privacy of my room, read and share with me a glimpse of the brief but heartbreaking blog Steven left behind. Tears shed in classes and after school in the company of friends were shed again, and her college paperwork was set aside for another day. There is a time for everything, and this was a time to grieve.

At Clarksville Online, our heartfelt condolences go out to Steven’s family and friends. We also extend our thanks and appreciation to the faculty and staff at Northeast High School for their support of our young people as they grapple with this difficult loss. Funeral arrangements are being handled by the Neal-Tarpley Funeral Home.

A time to grieve…

Clarksville Therapist Polly Coe, in addressing the issue of teen suicide, said young people may likely feel guilt over the loss of their friend.

“It is important for [friends] to know that it is not their fault. Too often they try to second guess themselves, and wonder if there was something they could have noticed or said or done. They think they should have seen it coming. But it is not their fault.”

Coe said it is important that the students be allowed to express their grief, and schools will often hold memorial service.

“Kids need to grieve. And the boy’s parents need to know he was loved by so many friends.”

She noted that the moods and emotions teenagers experience come hard and fast, and are hard to keep up with. She encourages an awareness of changes in mood, behavior and friends, and watch for indicators of unhealthy change.

A personal response…

As as a professional journalist, I frequently write about tragedy. On a personal level, my life has been touched by both suicide and murder/suicide. As a human being, my heart and soul aches deeply over these losses, particularly when they affect the very young, who may not yet know what wonders life may have in store for them.

Watching my granddaughter’s tears resurrected many images I had set aside, and in the hard drive of memory I searched for the feelings I too had known as I tried to find the right words to comfort her. Hugs are part of the answer. I also told her to trust her judgment about funeral services, and if she chose to, to go with friends if the memorial services are open and not restricted to family. A formal ceremony can help with closure by providing a formalized opportunity to say goodbye. It would not be unusual too for Steven’s friends to have their own service, remembering his friendship and love in any way they choose. For whether he realized it or not, he was loved by many.

As I thought about the tragic events of this day, I did a bit of research and offer this additional information to our readers:

Suicide Statistics

Suicide is relatively rare among children, but the rate of suicide attempts and deaths increases tremendously during adolescence. Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-olds, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Only homicide and accidents claim more lives.

“The risk of suicide increases dramatically when kids and teens have access to firearms at home, and nearly 60% of all suicides in the United States are committed with a gun. That’s why any gun in your home should be unloaded, locked, and kept out of the reach of children and teens. Ammunition should be stored and locked apart from the gun, and the keys for both should be kept in a different area from where you store your household keys. Always keep the keys to any firearms out of the reach of children and adolescents.

“It’s important to understand how suicide rates are different for boys and girls. Girls think about and attempt suicide about twice as often as boys, and girls tend to attempt suicide by overdosing on drugs or cutting themselves. Boys die by suicide about four times as much as girls, perhaps because they tend to use more lethal methods, such as firearms, hanging, or jumping from heights.”

– Nemours Foundation

Warning Signs

Suicide among teens often occurs following a stressful life event, such as a perceived failure at school, a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a major family conflict.

A teen who is thinking about suicide may:

• talk about suicide or death in general

• talk about “going away”

• talk about feeling hopeless or feeling guilt

• pull away from friends or family

• lose the desire to take part in favorite things or activities

• have trouble concentrating or thinking clearly

• experience changes in eating or sleeping habitsexhibit self-destructive behavior (drinking alcohol, taking drugs, or driving too fast)

Most teens show some indicators that all is not well in their world; things that may seem relatively insignificant or innocuous to an adult can feel insurmountable to a child or teen. It is important for parents to know the warning signs and seek help if any of those signs are present.

Helping your teen cope with loss

If someone your teen knows, perhaps a friend or a classmate, has attempted or committed suicide, acknowledge your child’s many emotions. Some teens feel guilty — especially those who felt they could have interpreted their friend’s actions and words better. Others say they feel angry with the person who committed or attempted suicide for having done something so selfish. Still others say they feel no strong emotions. All of these reactions are appropriate; emphasize to your teen that there is no right or wrong way to feel.

When someone attempts suicide and survives, people may be afraid of or uncomfortable about talking with him or her about it. Tell your teen to resist this urge; this is a time when a person absolutely needs to feel connected to others. Most schools (as do Montgomery County schools) address a student’s suicide by calling in special counselors to talk with the students and help them deal with their feelings. If your teen is having difficulty dealing with a friend or classmate’s suicide, it’s best to make use of these resources or to talk to you or another trusted adult. Teens cannot always handle such trauma alone.

Material on Teen Suicide reviewed by Matthew K. Nock PhD, 6/2005 for the Nemours Foundation. Originally reviewed by David V. Sheslow PHD and Steven Dowshen MD.

The Teen Suicide Hotline number if 1-800- SUICIDE or 1-800-784-2433. The talk line is 1_800 273-TALK or 1-800-273-8255, all of these numbers are toll-free, 24 hours a day / 7 days a week. Other numbers for countries around the world can be found at http://www.befrienders.org/

With those words, Coe said it is not too late to register for the next offering of the Alternatives to Violence Program, a transformative weekend program designed to break down the barriers of suppressed emotions and thus learn new strategies to break the cycle of anger and violence.

Coe, a licensed therapist, is once again offering this three-day workshop October 12-14 at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship at 3035 Highway 41A South. The $30 fee includes food and facilities costs.

As a therapist, I saw more and more soldiers returning from the Middle East angry. It was frustrating to treat them one at a time. So I sought out faster, more effective treatment than individual therapy. Most anger management workshops did not lead to personal transportation, just helped people control their anger outwardly. They did not help the person change their outlook.

Coe said the Alternatives to Violence Program helps people change their attitudes and feelings. The three day workshop is worth a year of therapy in my opinion. It is quite intense and permits people to actually experience another way, a peaceful, respectful way of solving differences. It is often a transformative experience for the participants. It helps people understand that they have options and can control their own feelings, emotions. They learn that they can change the anger patterns with effort and practice. And they like themselves a lot more when they start to practice the changes. Coe reiterates:

“I sure would not volunteer my time for such a long weekend if I were not convinced of the efficacy of the program. My co-facilitator, Edward Belbusti, and I are often elated, emotionally high by the end of the weekend. The participants take it over by Sunday, and we can mostly sit back and watch in awe as the people change before our very eyes. It is a gratifying experience.” — Polly Coe

FTo register, or for more information, call Polly Coe at 931-542-89565 or e-mail her at .

While our troops are overseas, scattered across the deserts of Iraq and spread over the mountainous terrain of Aghanistan, soldier’s wives juggle a variety of roles, stepping into and out of them based on deployments. It’s hard to keep all the balls in the air, and sometimes they all come tumbling down, rolling across the floor in every direction. As a representative of Clarksville Online, I spoke with one such wife, Shelly, who is reeling from the impact of life as a military spouse during war. I give you her story, followed by the complete text of Therapist Polly Coe’s comments on the impact of the Iraq War on our troops and their families.

The following is a transcript of my questions (CO) and Shelly’s answers:

CO: How’s the war been to you?

Shelly: When it broke out, we had just arrived in Clarksville (Jan 2003); we bought a house and a month later he was gone. When he’s in Iraq I don’t listen to the news. I can’t. And I keep it away from the kids. Things that happen in the war are too close to home; it upsets the kids. There’s a mechanical problem with aircraft and everyone is asking me if he’s OK. I honestly don’t know and I don’t want to hear or talk about it.

CO: How does the war upset the kids?

Shelly: Dad’s gone all the time. They idealize Dad, especially when he’s not here. A picture gets built up in their heads of the perfect Dad. They miss him and they ask, “why can’t he call, why can’t he come home?” It’s especially hard on birthdays and Christmas. We’ve had the “missed” Christmas, the early and late Christmas; the Christmas where Dad came to our hotel.

CO: What’s his military schedule?

Shelly: He’s had three deployments, each a year long. The first two deployments were back to back, and two were to Iraq. He’s about to be deployed for the fourth time. When he is home for a year he’s also gone to training and field exercises and school, and those last weeks at a time. When he’s in town he never has a consistent schedule. He has weird hours that change constantly.

CO: How do you make it through his Iraq tours?

Shelly: I cry; it usually hits me in the middle of the night.

The Family Readiness Group (FRG) helps as much as they can. Not every spouse utilizes them, and sometimes the husbands forget to tell their wives about them. They are very helpful and supportive and important for the families and spouses who are usually on their own. If you need help with a sick child or anything, they will be there. Networking is so important to everyone, and the information you can get is invaluable.

The subtle message behind FRG is “support your soldier”. And we do. We keep it together and send our support and keep our problems to ourselves and try to keep really busy. Busyness is encouraged by the FRG as well as taking time out for yourself, take a hot bath, get a sitter for the kids, etc. When busyness will not keep the depression away I let myself feel my feelings and work through them. Watching a good movie can bring out the grief that I’m suppressing and sometimes a good cry is what I need. I’ve got to deal with the emotions that come up about being alone. The whole time he’s gone, I feel like someone I love could die at any moment. I am pissed, and then so sad, and then pissed again. It is extremely frustrating.

CO: Do you feel a lot of fear?

Shelly: I have never really felt terror about this, which is a huge can of worms that I don’t want to open. But there is not one day without that fear of his death in the back of my mind. So every day is about pushing away that thought, containing it.

CO: How do you keep it together for the kids?

Shelly: I have to keep it together at all times for the kids but that doesn’t happen. I’ve had days like where the tempers were high and the refrigerator stopped working and I broke down. I didn’t do it in front of them; I went to my bedroom or bathroom. It’s a lot of stress, having everything sitting on my shoulders. I need him to help me deal with the irate kids; I need him to help me solve things.

CO: When he comes home is he the “boss” again?

Shelly: Yes. I’m the boss when he’s gone and then he comes back, he might say that I did well, and then starts doing things his way. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t care about what I’ve set up, especially in the finances. It makes me feel like I’ve done nothing, I’m invisible.

There are huge power struggles when he comes home. There are huge disagreements about how to deal with the kids. And the kids play off of each of us. I say no and they go and ask him. He wants to be the hero, the good guy, so he says to me, “why can’t they do this?” Then we get into it and I have to keep after him saying, No, this is what we planned, this is what resolve we agreed to take. And when do we get to talk about all of that? We don’t, so we have to “get into it” when a situation is happening. There’s no time to step back and discuss how we are going to go about doing something. He was gone so long that he doesn’t know what I’ve already done with the kids, what stages they are going through, and what limits we need to set. When I tell him he’s doing it wrong, I’m the bad guy. With him on the kid’s side, I’m the bad guy to everyone.

We can’t discuss any of this with him when he’s in Iraq. I can’t say things on an email, especially emotional stuff that may be misinterpreted. He can barely phone home, usually only late at night and we can’t get into anything on the 10 minute phone calls because we know that at any minute the call could get cut off, so we say a lot of “I love you’s” and that’s about it. If I bring up an issue with him, he says, “You’ve got it easy. I’m over here in a war.”

When I share my problems with my parents or siblings they say, “You knew when you married him that this was going to happen.”

I say to you sincerely, there is NO WAY I could have ever prepared for this reality. That’s like saying, “I knew my terminally ill family member was going to pass away, so why am I grieving now that he’s gone?” There is no way to prepare emotionally for these deployments. I am alone, raising a family, dealing with everyday issues and I don’t have my partner. I don’t have someone to share things with. And the fear of him never returning looms constantly overhead. How can I prepare for that?

CO: Has the war changed him, is he angrier, short tempered?

Shelly: No. I haven’t seen that. He always was reclusive, but now even more so. He doesn’t talk about anything, especially emotions. I can’t do that. I can’t be a look-good-on-the-outside person only. And we do look good as a couple. We don’t fight, we look happy. But we’re not a couple anymore. He hasn’t told me a thing about himself. And he’s not interested in me either. He’s a good man, a great man, but he’s not a partner.

He’s used to doing things for himself over there. He comes home and makes himself food and doesn’t think that he has a family who may be hungry also. He washes his clothes, nobody else’s; he doesn’t integrate back into this life. It’s not like our marriage is worse or better than anyone else’s. But we don’t have the time to calm down and sort these things out, discuss them.

When he comes home we go through four stages:

• The honeymoon period. It’s a homecoming. Hooray, you’re back. We love you, we love you. You’re our hero. We have you now and are so glad you’re home. We have a life again and things like sex again. This stage lasts about 3 – 6 months.

• ‘Where is the remote?’ stage. He’s running things again, and the world that I set up is being changed, destroyed. Without excellent communication, he’s negating all the things that I’ve done while he was gone. I’m getting upset and we need to talk. We need to get down and work through these dark periods of our agreements, communications. We haven’t discussed the little things that blow up into big things. Every marriage has these problems but in the military these problems are aggravated and multiplied. He doesn’t want to hear and I’m the bitch if I talk about it. I’m not allowed my feelings, and I have to make it safe for the kids to have their feelings. This really invalidates to me to the core. Even though he’s here, I realize that I am still totally alone; he can’t fill the emotional emptiness I feel and he’s making things more difficult. This stage lasts about three months.

• Get ready to go again period. There’s no time to talk about the problems and dig into our emotions because we know he’s going to leave. How can I bring up serious issues when I know he’s leaving? How dare I say, “I don’t feel like I know you anymore” when I’m sending him off to war? Swallow my communication. This is another three month period usually.

• He’s gone. Reset my life to being in charge. I do everything. I think of everything, chores, fun time, being the reasonable adult, being the together adult, setting limits for the kids, solving all problems and being alone. I make it through six months okay and then have the 7th month breakdown. I need him in so many ways and he’s not there. Where is the man I pledged my life too? Where is my partner in this life?

We don’t hear from him for long periods of time. All I know is that nobody in uniform has come to knock on my door and so I hold it together for the kids. We don’t watch the news.

Comments by Therapist Polly Cole

Clarksville Therapist Polly Coe, who has worked extensively with soldiers and their families between and during deployments, discussed the interview after reading its transcript.

This is a sadly typical story. Soldiers do change during war, because how they cope tends to be individualist, isolating, not reaching out to others. So they lose or forget the skills they may have developed in the marriage to support each other. He returns ‘an island’ not needing anyone and resentful of anyone needing him. The wife and kids feel more and more distant from him until the marriage ends. Many soldiers return angry and are unable to let the anger go when they see wife and family. Others return totally unemotional, having cut off all feeling to survive the war. So the wife sees an automoton, not a human being. Marriages are falling apart left and right.

After the second deployment to Iraq, marriages of 15-20 years were failing. I hate to think what will happen after this third deployment. I think that this war also damages the souls of many soldiers, but we have no information on that. The Army is admitting to considerable more PTSD than in the past, and, finally, TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury – essentially like Shaken Baby Syndrome), which they are just beginning to treat somewhat experimentally.

The Army says that going to war is ‘just a job’ and that is how soldiers see killing the enemy. However, I see soldiers for whom that is not the case, soldiers who are changed forever by the killing of other human beings or by the hatred required to shoot their guns at the ‘hajis.’ The families and friends see the changes in them, but the Army denies this as damage. Real men, soldiers, are evidently supposed to suck it up and kill on demand without a conscience, without feelings. Are we making morally dead sociopaths out of young men? Long range, this damage may be as destructive to our American society as the financial burden of treating the injured.

Additional Information

Author’s Note: Shelly has, but her husband refuses, to seek marriage counseling. He filed for divorce this summer. Shelly says that if he hadn’t filed for divorce, she would have, eventually. They still look good on the outside as a couple, with no fighting and arguing in public.

Shelly’s Note: I cannot stress how important the Family Readiness Group is to many, many spouses and families and as a whole the system is invaluable. As an asset for military spouses, the women volunteers offer networking and a social outlet and they organize functions. They help direct spouses to ANY kind of assistance they may need during a deployment from helping with financial difficulties, counseling, child care, to finding a good mechanic or repair man. The FRG has the resources available to help direct spouses to answers. The FRG is also your key source of information for what is going on with your spouse’s unit.

Fort Campbell also has a Family Readiness Center inside Gate 1 that spouses can utilize should they feel they aren’t getting the help/support they need through their Unit FRG. This is a fairly new facility on Fort Campbell (within a few years). Before the FRG became organized as it is today, military life was extremely difficult for spouses who needed assistance when their soldiers were deployed.

“It’s not surprising,” said Clarksville Therapist Polly Coe as she heard details of the report stating that suicide rates among Army personnel have hit their highest rate in 26 years, with 25% of those self-inflicted deaths occurring in the Afghanistan and Iraq arenas. Iraq led the numbers with the most reported suicides and suicide attempts, according to a report released by the U.S. Army.

I’ve been hearing about it,” Coe said, while voicing a bit optimism that the Army is acknowledging the program and bolstering its metal health treatment efforts for troops worldwide. “They (Army) have to got to face this. Many of these soldiers are facing overwhelming depression and desperately need treatment.” Mental health issues among troops have reached “disastrous” proportions, Coe said, noting that suicides have been occurring not just among enlisted troops but officers as well.

Army officials report 99 confirmed suicides by active duty troops in 2006, significantly higher than the 11 suicides recorded in 2005. The suicide rate is approximately 17.3 per 100,000 troops, up from the previous average of 12.3/100,000. The United States currently has 500,000 troops in active service.

Medical records of these soldiers indicated that at least one-quarter of them had at least one psychiatric disorder, with 20 percent affected by mood disorders, or diagnoses of bipolar disorder and/or depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. The latter is the hallmark mental health issue of the Iraq conflict.

According to Polly Coe, a local therapist and one of many providers of mental health services for the Fort Campbell area troops, prolonged deployments, “especially these second and third deployments,” contribute to “family problems” including spouse and child abuse, financial problems, sex addiction, depression, job stress, and divorce.”

Coe is concerned that this third deployment of Fort Campbell troops, who will now serve 15 months instead of twelve overseas in war zones, will result in a sharp increase of psychiatric, psychological and behavioral disorders among enlisted personnel while overseas and when they finally return home.

“They are angry, and that can fuel or be fueled by depression,” Coe said, adding soldiers often dehumanize themselves in battle zones. “It’s a coping mechanism,” she said. “They begin to not show emotion, become like robots who don’t feel anything.” It’s their way of shunting aside pain and rage. But they can’t always turn that off when they come home. They isolate, or they explode, she said.

Coe joins the ranks of other therapists in also voicing concerns about the “dumbing down” of background checks and standards of new recruits in an effort to bolster recruitment numbers, in particular the much reported disregard of some mental health and medication issues which would under other circumstances have kept some military applicants out of the service.

“It’s disastrous,” she said, adding that some of these recruits are already having mental health problems or have been taking medication for such problems. The (structure and training) of the Army will acerbate that, she said. “It’s predictable.”

Coe was pleased that the Army is stepping up and acknowledging publicly that there is an increase in suicide, and increased efforts to address the mental health needs of troops both deployed and at home bases. “It’s a start.”

Army officials admitted to a “significant” relationship between suicides and suicide attempts and the length of deployment in Iraq, Afghanistan and bases in the region where troops are involved in the war effort. The conceded that there was “limited evidence” of a correlation between multiple deployments and suicide. Although preliminary numbers for 2007 currently show a decline among armed forces as a whole, there is an increase of suicide among deployed troops. Twice as many servicewomen deployed to war zones committed suicide compared to those stateside or in non-combat areas. Firearms were the method of choice among most suicides, while those who attempted to end their lives but failed more often when attempting to overdose or cut themselves.

In the wake of both public opinion and a demonstrated need for services by troops and their families, the Army has attempted to create a larger number of programs and expand mental health services to alleviate the stress created by a seemingly endless war, a battle now entering its sixth year.

In prior interviews with Clarksville Online, Coe said that therapists across the region are having a hard time keeping up with the numbers of troops and their families who need help coping with both deployments and the return of their loved ones.

The full report on suicide in Army ranks will be released Thursday.