56 F
Saturday, January 28, 2023
HomeCommentaryThe Funniest Stories I've Read Lately

The Funniest Stories I’ve Read Lately

Laughing people by Roxana Soare
Laughing people by Roxana Soare

Teaching is a stressful job. Since laughter is the best medicine for stress as well as other extreme medical conditions, I occasionally check out the internet to see what funny stories are circulating. The following are not to be confused with those jokes that some people seem to need to send to your e-mail on occasion. I’ve read these on various internet sites by looking on google for what people seem to be reading these days. I hope they give you a giggle too.

Under the dumb things people do, you don’t have to look far.

When two service station attendants in Michigan refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

An airline pilot in the Netherlands was sentenced to four months in jail after he was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the “Flintstones” theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane.

A 350-pound New York man entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, “This is a stick-up.” He then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived.

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said a police spokesman, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.”

Two people had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant’s table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. “And ma’am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?” “Yes sir,” the witness answered. “And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?” Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly.

In England a man rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming “Call me back!” and left his phone number.

Then there was the robber who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

Of course, there are always a few 911 calls that take the cake:

Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

And one more:

Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Then there are the notes to school for children who were absent:

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Of course, some of the all-time favorites for every teacher are those amazing test answers:

Monotony means being married to the same person all your life.

What artificial respiration commonly known as? The Kiss of Death

A major disease associated with smoking is premature death.

The equator a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa.

The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.

To keep milk from souring: keep it in the cow.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

Here’s hoping you find a bit of laughter in every day and keep your stress level under control!

Sue Freeman Culverhouse
Sue Freeman Culverhousehttp://culverhouseart.com/
Author of Tennessee Literary Luminaries: From Cormac McCarthy to Robert Penn Warren (The History Press, 2013) Sue Freeman Culverhouse has been a freelance writer for the past 36 years. Beginning in 1976, she published magazines articles in Americana, Historic Preservation, American Horticulturist, Flower and Garden, The Albemarle Magazine, and many others. Sue is the winner of two Virginia Press Awards in writing. She moved to Springfield, Tennessee in 2003 with her sculptor husband, Bill a retired attorney. Sue has one daughter,  Susan Leigh Miller who teaches poetry and creative writing at Rutgers University. Sue teaches music and writing at Watauga Elementary School in Ridgetop, Tennessee to approximately 500 students in kindergarten through fifth grade. She also publishes a literary magazine each year; all work in the magazine is written and illustrated by the students. Sue writes "Uncommon Sense," a column in the Robertson County Times, which also appears on Clarksville Online. She is the author of "Seven keys to a sucessful life", which is  available on amazon.com and pubishamerica.com; this is a self-help book for all ages.

Latest Articles